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| 10:10pm 03/01/2009 |
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I wrote this a couple nights ago, I couldn't sleep and I was depressed.
Here it goes:
I try everyday to persuade myself that I don’t need other people, but everyday I fail, and I find myself needing people as much as I don’t want to. I need her to be part of me, no matter how wrong it is.
This is fucking awful. I feel myself falling for her, I feel myself doing something I don’t want to do, but reason and logic just can’t seem to overpower these emotions, and I find myself in a dilemma. Do I risk rejection? Damage to friendships? Or do I instead keep it inside, let it become another regret? I’m tired of regrets but either way I’m probably fucked. I heard that it’s better to regret something you have done, than it is to regret something you haven’t done…not sure if the Butthole Surfers are really a great source of advice though.
Fuck! Where are the ones who I can talk to when it’s one in the morning? Well, other than asleep...
Now this becomes conversation with myself. Really. There is no one else to turn to, and this is why I can’t rely on people.
Me 1: So, I have a problem.
Me 2: What is it?
1: Well, there’s this girl…
2: What’s her name?
1: It doesn’t matter. Goddamn it, you know it anyway.
2: Yeah you’re right. Continue.
1: Well you see, she’s so perfect…
2: How so?
1: Well I can’t really explain. I mean, I could list everything I love about her but that doesn’t really explain her perfection. It’s…well, I guess it’s sublime. Can’t explain it.
2: I think I understand. What are you gonna do?
1: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I mean, 2 years ago, we had this connection, but then I chose another female over her…regret hasn’t really caught up to me until now.
2: What do you mean?
1: Well you see, I don’t know how she feels anymore, but I’m pretty sure it’s too late.
2: Maybe it isn’t.
1: It is, but the thing is, maybe the spark is coming back.
2: How so?
1: I can’t fucking explain, and that’s the trouble I’m having.
2: You’re worried.
1: Damn right I am! I’m worried that I’m wrong, this spark is only my imagination, and I’m worried I’m going to fuck up this incredible friendship.
2: Don’t worry so much.
1: I can’t help it! I mean…shit. What if I were to fall in love with her? What if I already have?
2: Well...I suppose I don’t really know what to say to that.
1: Shit. I should’ve known. I can’t even rely on myself. |
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| slowly burning away |
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| 09:27pm 29/12/2008 |
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So here I am. Sober, tired, and lonely. Alone in a decaying world. Longing for the slow burn of a kretek, or the glow of a pipe. Needing to sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow, but the sleeping pills don't work so well anymore. Wondering, "who the fuck am I?"
I had a dream last night. I guess I got a girl pregnant, and then we got married without my parents knowing. I named the boy Nikolai. The girl wanted to name the child Nick but I wouldn't let her. I said that he had to be Nikolai, and she could call him Nick if she wanted. I loved that kid...didn't really care for the girl, but that baby was, in my dream, the only thing I cared about. Almost makes me want to have a kid someday, even though I usually dislike them.
Every time I see a shopping cart in a parking lot, I feel a slight impulse to push it inside where it belongs. This is what working at a grocery store does to you.
I'm really depressed tonight. I don't know why. I should enjoy my solitude, but I'm not. |
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